* Your kid may be an honors student, but you’re still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana — At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
* Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
* Life is a mystery, the solution is death
* If your reading this, STOP watch the road
* Rules For Stupid People: NO!!!!
* If your reading this your already dead
* Dain bramaged.
* Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
* Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
* Boldly going nowhere
* CAUTION – Driver legally blonde!
* Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
* He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged
* How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
* CATS: The other white meat
* I’m an imbecile and I vote
* Money Isn’t Everything… But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
* If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now
* Saw it… Wanted it… Had a fit… Got it!
* WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
* Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
* You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!
* You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
* Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
* Grow your own dope, plant a man
* All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* All men are idiots…I married their king.
* IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
* Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
* Hang up and drive.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* Where there’s a will…I want to be in it.
* It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Be nice to your kids…They will pick out your nursing home.
* Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.
* If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
* I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
* Never take life seriously.
* Nobody gets out alive, anyway
* Never knock on Death’s door:
* Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that)
* I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* You have the right to remain silent.
* Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
* You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
* Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.